dinsdag 30 september 2008


Hi,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist who/what I really am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself with something else than who I really am.
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to not have time for who I really am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear who I really am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of becoming who I really am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give no space in myself for who I really am.

The choice is between being in control and being who/what I really am.

Tension in the lower jaw.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be in a thrill wether I will become who/what I really am.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather be in a thrill wether I become who/what i really am than realize this.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think the realization of who/what I really am to the future.

maandag 29 september 2008


Hi,
in the past days I feel what I really am coming forward in me. It's a gentle forward moving force. Makes me a little bit kind of dizzy.

I worked at my sistershorsefarm, I did sand shoveling. One of the horses stood where I put the sand and I put it gently around her hoofs, for fun. I had a brake, and I said to the horse: pity that you cannot shovel too. Than she moved one hoof through the sand, as a big scoop! and walked away.

all is here


Hi,
this morning at my small support group, I was able to speak how I apply Sf. Also how everything is here, and it is not possible to skip one thing. And how I take responsibility by watching my reactions. It was understood and confirmed.

At night I skype with my son. I hadn't seen him from 8 years old till 16, and after that only 3 or 4 times a year. but some months ago I bought myself a laptop from him, and he assisted me with some things, and after some time we started skype for phone was too expensive. And since 2 onths or so we skype everynight. He shares his experiences with me and tonight he told me he'd decided to be honest. (in the beginning of our skypes he was more of manipulation).

zondag 28 september 2008


Hi,
today I went to the barbecue at my modelairplaneclub. I watched myself before I went. I found out that I didn't need to go. Didn't desire. I rode my bike, and watched myself: busy to get there, or being in the moment. I decided to not go into some special feeling for the reason of many persons and unusual events. I was just there doing what fitted in the situation. I was shown a plane for sale, which would suit me well according to the sellers. I didn't buy into that feeling.
I moved freely and went away freely.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt if I made a mistake by not going into a partymood.

Yesterday there was a woman new to the club. Her husband signed in as a member. She told me she wanted to wait herself, she wanted to check the people first.
Some time passed and I set next to her and said: so you wanted to see if you feel secure here? She told me yes that was important to her.
I told her I didn't feel secure when I joined the club. And we talked quite a lot. 
Hi,
my body exists of molecules. The air that surrounds it and the objects too. All there is is molecules.
Where am I? What am I?

I must be here as the molecules, although I am not defined by them.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as molecules.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as body, separate from everything else.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define what is here outside my body as not me.

friction


Hi,
today I remember how I as a child was taken by my parents and dragged (as I felt it) to other places to meet people, family, friends. I didn't grasp the meaning of it. What was all the fuzz about. The excitement, what was going on in the meeting? A lot of talking, emotions now and than. 
I feel myself the same way, as I want to go to my modelairplaneclub, where is a barbecue, (partytime! lets kill some animals!). 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel as a child, dragged to meetings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel as a child, familymeetings as pointless.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see as a child, familymeetings as chaotic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed in myself to feel emotional pain for the killing of animals for the purpose of  a party.

I sustained this judgement till today, by dragging myself to other places, seemingly enjoying this.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to enjoy dragging myself to other places.

Thanks.

donderdag 25 september 2008

I as the body


Hi,
do I use the body as an instrument for my desires, purposes as the person Martijn. 
Or am I here as the body.
Using the body is abusing the body: it is painful. 
I feel at ease, being the body. 
I don't have to think.
I have no image to worry about.
I slip into Martijn , as soon as I notice this, I take the opportunity to apply Sf.

And:
Waking up in the morning, I started with a stress. Past few days. What was going on? I had to be someone! meet expectations, have goals, fears, control. Applying till I this is gone. Will see tomorrow.

woensdag 24 september 2008

polarities


Hi,
today I applied Sf on beliefs in polarities that occurred:

within the law<=>outside the law
obedient<=>disobedient
to control<=>to have no control

Also on: being helpless/in need of help,
                to be someone who will get an accident,
                to be dependent.

This morning I felt consciousness  depleting. The program for the day seemed to have troubles to unfold. Hard to explain in Englishhhhhhh. Reality wasn't as real as before.
I remembered something: I used to know how to disable machines/apparatus, without touching them. Car engines would stop when someone drove up to me, Together with a friend we disabled a automated church bell. Things like that. It was like I'm going into the apparatus and withdraw the believe that it works. 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to influence the function of machines/apparatus.
I remember that I was able to let things disappear. Not all of a sudden, but slowly. I started moving my life away from the thing till it someway or another was gone. 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to let things disappear.
I remember that I was able to let accidents happen. Forinstance I walked into  cafĂ© and within minutes someone would break some glasses.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to cause accidents.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who has powers.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to radiate a pushing energy to Monic which felt not good to her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to radiate a pulling energy to Sylvia which felt not good to her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use in secret powers to influence.

I am going to post on Open forum now.

 


dinsdag 23 september 2008

hard work


Hi,
today, I was working at my sisters horsefarm and three days ago I ended up with pain in the body, because I was angry that I hurted plants. I did Sf's on that and today I came to the same way of angry working for a moment, but without the thoughts I had last time and i was able to let go of it and worked quite relaxed and was able to save many plants at the same time.

Listening to people speak


Hi,
yesterday I found my body again as I new it when I was age three or so. Shocking however to see my hands have grown old, and the body all stretched out in length! But nevertheless lovely to be here again. I used to do my hear with gel but now I prefer it without to have it soft. Feeling much more comfortable being my body.