today I went to the barbecue at my modelairplaneclub. I watched myself before I went. I found out that I didn't need to go. Didn't desire. I rode my bike, and watched myself: busy to get there, or being in the moment. I decided to not go into some special feeling for the reason of many persons and unusual events. I was just there doing what fitted in the situation. I was shown a plane for sale, which would suit me well according to the sellers. I didn't buy into that feeling.
I moved freely and went away freely.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt if I made a mistake by not going into a partymood.
Yesterday there was a woman new to the club. Her husband signed in as a member. She told me she wanted to wait herself, she wanted to check the people first.
Some time passed and I set next to her and said: so you wanted to see if you feel secure here? She told me yes that was important to her.
I told her I didn't feel secure when I joined the club. And we talked quite a lot.