dinsdag 28 oktober 2008


Hi,
today the mind isn´t silent. Found myself randomly thinking now nd then. Falling asleep. Woke up thinking right away this morning. I slept half an hour more than 6. The change of time with one hour. I realize I am not this, this is me as the mind. I am one with the mind, as the mind. 
Am I a victim t the mind... the mind functions, I direct.

thanks.

Hi,
when I get involved in a relationship I think of the woman all the time. This happened this morning, after i spoke with Mirjam on the phone yesterday evening. I was working at my sisters farm and thinking what is she doing talking to people at work etc. I said to myself, how strange that I think only of her, I know other people aswell. Later on the horses gathered to stand still and be in oneness. I joined and all of the thinking was gone. I realized it had been an attempt by the mind to create oneness. 

thanks.

Hi,
money, I get money from the municipality. In Holland this is called a minimum amount of money to live by. And that's true, but I am used to it and manage well. I have had a job for only 7 years in total and I am 51 now, so I know how to live with little money. At times I had no money I always was given money by friends/my parents. Most of my furniture I was given or I bought in a recycling store. I buy almost nothing. I did spend almost all of my savings on dental care. But I am confident that what has to be done can be done. One way or another. I am able to save enough money to enjoy my modelairplane hobby, which has brought me numerous  Sf-points.
I new for a long time that the money system was a big mistake. I did search for better ways, never found any.

maandag 27 oktober 2008


Hi,
the world looked very strange today. I felt I was going to faint a few times. Unreal. A heavy feeling now and then, due to the realization of the mechanical, programmed existence everywhere. 

The smelling has improved.

I am cool when I realize I got the world in me. 

zondag 26 oktober 2008


Hi,

more on the nose issue,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to refuse to smell to separate myself from my world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist odors.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely vulnerable when I let the nose smell.
I forgive myself  that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be overwhelmed by odors and panic.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I get infection in my nose when I am open to odors.
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to focus on my process when I smell odors.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity: to be extremely vulnerable when I am smelling<->to be secured when I don't smell a thing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity: to separate myself from my world<->to connect myself to my world.

I take my world in me as me. I ask forgiveness from my world for denying our oneness and equality.

I smell the odors of my world in me as me. The odors of my world is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. 
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I am the odors of my world and I am not separated from them in any way.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the odors of my world as distracting.
I ask forgiveness from the odors of my world for denying their existence. 

thanks.

zaterdag 25 oktober 2008


Hi,
listen to this: Mirjam, with whom I took a walk last sunday, Phoned me twice, this week, and as she started to speak, her voice was so shocking familiar! I just realized after we spoke on the phone just now, that I've heard her voice now and then in myself, before we met!! I thought it were memories of a former girlfriends voice. I didn't hear words, just the sound of the voice.
I thought we were strangers, who would have to need time to get to know each other. She is already known, in me, under my skin. 
Before she called, I talked on the phone with Didi, a member of our assist and support group. She said: do you know who I am? I looked and told her no. I am you, she said.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that you are offended when I realize you as me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy when I realize you as me.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of offended<->intimacy.
We laughed a lot and Sf-ed some definitions. I reminded her of the breath and the silence.

Thanks

Btw, last night I got a call (skype) from our Joseph! New York. He immediately applied whenever a point came up. In this way we got closer, like we were only separated by the screen of the laptop. We shared experiences with Sf and assisted and supported each other.

Thnks

vrijdag 24 oktober 2008


Hi,

changing the sheets of my bed to me is strange because I don'tsmell if they're dirty and I don't have a once a week thing going on. My nose doesn't tell me that much. I usually smell nothing at all. Sometimes I smell something that Isn't there! Mostly only bad smells come through or penetrant ones, gasoline, poop, exhaustion gasses. I don't want to wait that long changing my sheets. I do smell when my pyjamas are sweaty. 
I found out that I believe If I wait till my sheets smell sweaty, I will be on a down hill path to totally waisting myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear onetime I'll be on a downhillpath to waisting myself.
So, I kind of vaguely remember how long ago I changed sheets and how sweaty I have been in the nights that passed. And I have an idea of how smelly they might be and I change them accordingly.

thank you.


donderdag 23 oktober 2008


Hi,
what I found out today is, as a "follow up" of yesterday, that taking responsibility in the matrix is a justification to not take Selfresponsibility! yesyes, I always knew this vaguely. For instance someone asked me if I was interested to become a teacher in the modelairplaneclub. I said no, I don't like responsibility. 

woensdag 22 oktober 2008


Hi,
the man of the bar of the club, I wrote about yesterday, came today as well. I felt muscle tension in the upper part of my back. I applied Sf and watched if it was effective and I breathed. I discovered that he confirms me as someone who takes responsibility! That is an unexpected outcome.

Hi,
Having placed myself as worthless, as a victim to "friends", children in school, who spoke words to me which lead to my selfjudgement as being worthless, I want revenge. One method is to collect knowledge. Through this knowledge I am able to save myself, and they are not. This makes me feel better. I am fine because I know stuff, lots of stuff, but in knowing everything there is to know I still have nothing. I cannot separate myself from the nasty ones. 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel pity that I am not able to separate me from the nasty ones.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the words spoken to me by the nasty ones personally.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised myself that they were acting out their feelings and emotions on me as them.
I realize that it has nothing to do with me. I remain here, I breath. I have no reactions. I don't let the words spoken by systems influence our oneness and equality. 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel upset due to the words spoken to me by the nasty ones.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the children as nasty.
I restore the oneness and equality. No more separation, I am tired of it. 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept the solution by the mind in the situation of specific words spoken to me by the children, to make a selfjudgement as being  worthless.

dinsdag 21 oktober 2008


Hi,
today, I left home at noon. There were several thing I could be doing. One of them, flying my modelairplane, was dismissed at the shed when I took my bike out. The wind blowing to fierce.
I cycled to buy some grocery along the road. I wanted to go shopping first, but I decided to do that later on, I wouldn't cycle with heavy bags. I took a road but returned after a while to take anotherone less windy. The grocery was far away. It was out in the open on a display. All the way I had watched myself, to see if I submitted to a thought/idea and the feeling connected to it. Applyied Sf if so. I was in the world not of it. 
I asked a person wether I am allowed to take the grocery myself and put the money in the little box. She said yes. I didn't have the right change. While doing so, I submitted to the thought: am I ding the right thing here? The lady of the house appeared and helped me out. Back on the bike I freed myself again through breathing. 
I made a call to the farmer where the mowingmachine is parked, if it were possible to clean it this afternoon. He has a cleaning device, it runs on hot water. It was fine. So I went from the grocery to the farm. I put on raincoat/pants and cleaned the machine. I kept on watching myself. When finished, the machine wouldn't start. This problem I had last week too. I made some efforts and it worked again. I parked it back on its spot and when I asked what cost the pumpkins, the farmer said, no wait I'll give you some for free, they don't look so well but you can eat them. I thanked him. I had already put some money in the little box but I didn't tell him.
Next I went to the club, to do some cleaning because tonight is club meeting, like every tuesday.
All the time in the clubbuilding, I felt submitted to the person who runs the bar. He wasn't present but in my thoughts he was. I see him as higher in rank, 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that R. is of a higher rank then me.
I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness when feeling submitted to R.
When I left I almost let my bike fall to the ground because I tried to eat something and look at something and handling my bike all at the same time.
( this morning I experienced this reality to be in slow motion.)
( I sometimes see my computerscreen moving, changing shape.)
I cycled to the next village to do shopping. I was back on track. I bought my stuff and silent was inside. Difficulty arouse when I packed my bags and at a distance some people sat outside a shop, laughing, having a good time. This is a problem: I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness at the moment when I am doing something difficult while people are laughing.
I bought some food for the birds, and a energy saving lightbulb. When I left that store I felt: this reality is giving me a hard time. On this one I applied immediately.
I left that village to get home. The wind came from the opposite direction. Anytime I thought: the wind is giving me a hard time, the cycling would get very difficult. I had submitted to that thought. I placed myself back in the silence. And cycling was not a problem. 
Same with cold wind blowing on my throat/neck, I submitted to: I'll catch a cold. I clearly saw that as soon as I thought I had to protect myself from the cold, I became vulnerable. So I placed myself back in the silence and the cold was no issue.

Thanks.

one more thing,
everywhere I looked I found thoughts. Everything is thought-based. And I am in this thought-based existence. No other way to be yet then to remain silent inside.

maandag 20 oktober 2008


Hi,
yesterday I met Mirjam. I didn't know her name until I asked as she drove the car. She didn't know my name. The dog was sitting in the back. We went to the forrest and walked and talked. She told she had been working on the issue of: I am not allowing myself to be here on earth. While she spoke, emotions rose.
I told her about the agreement instead of relationship. And lot of other things we spoke of. The forrest was colorful, thanks to the fall season. Pity I don't smell a thing...
She took me to her house and showed the garden. We spoke of projecting the inner outward.
She brought me home. We exchanged phone numbers.
During the evening emotional waves passed by. Probably connected to the issue: lack of selfworth, as pointed out by Bruce L. I let it pass, didn't feel like posting.
This morning, as I cycled to my assistandsupportgroup I fantasized I would speak of the meeting with Mirjam, without mentioning her name and using the words: he/his, instead of: she/her, and in the end I would say: and he is a woman.
When I wanted to speak, I looked into myself and I decided to not tell the story in that way. I asked myself: why did I come up with the Idea of He instead of she?
I found out that Talking about she,/her gives me a feeling! 
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to have this feeling when thinking of Mirjam as a woman, using the words she and her.
I also found a feeling today, kind of angry. I just felt the opposite: to give in.
A polarity is involved here:
To give in to falling in love/starting a relationship<=>to "capture" her to must have her in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of to give in to falling in love opposite to want to "capture" her to must have her.

Thanks.

zaterdag 18 oktober 2008


Hi,
today I met two women. The first one told me she had moved to live on her own after 6 years of relationship. I informed her on the dishonesty in relationships and she got it!
The second woman made two jokes on me. Later I said, to make jokes on me is a state of mind, so you are not able to say whatever you really want to say. What do you want to say to me? She said, thats much more difficult. Later she said, shall I say it? I said, I hear nothing. She said: you fascinate me. I said, what is so fascinating? She said she had known specific type of men and I was different. I said what do you want to do with it? She said, I'll speak with you when i see you again here on the farm. I said no, lets make an appointment to see where we get to. Not in the relationship-idea. She froze and said, I just left my relationship I had been in, and I don't want this right now. I said, cool, I just want to share insights and we can look into ourselves to see what comes forth. 
That was OK for her. I said, when shall we meet? she said, first opportunity is tomorrow. I said, that's cool. And she left.
Afterwards I was able to see several Sf points coming to my mind, which formerly formed the mindset to start a relationship.
So for me another opportunity to Selfforgive specific points.
Example
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe falling in love is stronger than me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel this woman will comfort me, I will find rest with her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a "hidden" purpose to go into a relationship with her so I'll surprise myself to "unexpectedly" and "surprisingly" fall in love with her. lol
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "blame" the hormones for the feelings I'll get for her when we are together.

Thanks.

Hi,
I met a horse, it stood on sand. It came to me and tasted my fingers with its lips. It moved its ears backwards and forwards to get my attention. It looked aside in the direction of the gate. I looked there too and I understood:"I want to get out of this sandy place and to the field, do that for me". I said no, that I cannot do for you. I said bye and left.
At night I thought, well I could have gone to the house and tell what the horse wanted. Maybe someone was home and thought it to be cool.
My refusal was based on a fear of intruding.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear intruding these peoples lives.



Hi,
it's so cool to be silent inside and look around at the pictures.
It's so weird to see the automated reality I allowed and accepted to exist. How is it possible that a tree is this immobile thing that lives only for so long, and doesn't speak?

woensdag 15 oktober 2008


Hi,
Today one horse came to me and she brought me to the feeling of no self-worth. Ifelt it and recognized it as a feeling that is so me. I Applied Selfforgiveness and realized I was able to let go of it. And it was gone. 
Then the horses gathered and stood very still. I stopped working and I joined the silence. I was in some sort of gathering, bigger than me and some horses. 
I slipped back into the mind because I believed to be inferior, not worthy. So I applied Sf, but I stayed in the mind. I started working again.

thanks

dinsdag 14 oktober 2008


Hi,
Every day now, I'm focussing on the feelings of no self-worth. It's not pretty. Applying Sf on multiple aspects. I do live a new expression now and then! Difficult to describe, I felt my body standing firm on earth. I felt oh well, I stop this effort to describe, Englishhhhh...
But it's cool to notice that my applying is effective.

My sisters horses were very, very kind to me today. Sweet. So lovely!

Thanks.

vrijdag 10 oktober 2008

selfworth


Hi,
as Bruce L. pointed out to me, I have a selfjudgement issue, in which is no selfworth. This involves Selfconfidence and selftrust.
He told me where to find the origin of this.

I decided to have a look into my schoolyears. And I vaguely remembered people commenting on me, children, and the more I investigated the more I saw the issue. I'd never found it by myself, I had completely accepted the lack of selfworth. So I wasn't aware of it at all. I had some questions though, a difference I felt from other men. They had something I lacked of.

I started seeing through my day small movements in myself to make myself less, to set myself aside.
I applied Sf on several aspects also to past perceptions and I felt the release which I enjoyed very much. Today, I lived the transcendence in me. Not quite done however.

Thanks.

breath, thoughts


Hi,
this morning I woke up (as usual, lol) and i stayed with the breath and when I got involved in a  thought or an emotion/feeling, I returned to breath. Some Sf too. This went on until I decided to listen to the radio newsbroadcast and I allowed myself to go into thoughts. 

I forgive myself that i've allowed myself to leave the breath to enter thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to use listening to the radio as a way of leaving my selfdiscipline of staying with the breath.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be dishonest to myself in deciding to leave my breath and go into thoughts.


Thank you.

 

dinsdag 7 oktober 2008

timeloop


Hi,
About one week ago, I felt to breath was the only thing left I wanted to do. Instead of doing so, I directed myself away from that direction, and went on as usual. Now I perceive myself to be in a timeloop.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to just breath, and instead returned to busyness as usual.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to regret not having taken the opportunity to just breath.

Thanks.

holding myself back<=>"running forward"


Hi,
this polarity I saw this morning as I planned to go to my club. I selfforgave it and riding my bike, I took the opportunity to watch if it was completely forgiven. Some more, but smaller parts I forgave. At the club, flying  my soarer plane, I felt a charge in the upper right chest area. Interesting to watch was furthermore, me separating myself from some clubmembers who sat and watched me flying. I managed to include them in myself. Tension is released.
Later in the afternoon, some other people arrived, after I had been alone for a short time. I felt a strange separation, didn't know what it was.
At home in the evening, I realized it was me separating myself from the men as male human beings. 
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate me from the male human beings at the club.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that i could apply Selfforgiveness as I felt separated from the male human beings at the club.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to feel disappointed about me not having realized at the club that I could apply Selfforgiveness on feeling separated from the male human beings at the club.

maandag 6 oktober 2008

dentist


Hi,
today I was at the dentist for 1 and 3/4 of an hour. While he and his assistant were working inside my mouth, I was as the three of us.

As he worked with the drill, my nerves would start signaling, and my body would get tense. Then I said in myself: its allright, this is no alert situation, no need for stress. Than the body relaxed again. I repeated this, some times. I just watched if a reaction showed up. Some feelings came forth; Now I'll die, and: here comes the pain, and such. 
One moment I had to swallow but couldn't, I almost swallowed thewrong way, and started feeling helpless. Immidiately the assistant spoke a calming advice and the dentist too, and I calmed down.  I felt myself small. Sf on that.

Also before I went there, I applied Sf on several points coming up.

This was an interesting experience, I felt quite comfortable all the way. I have no pain afterwards.

Thanks.

zondag 5 oktober 2008


Hi,
judging people by their native country.
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself for having judged people by their native country.
Projecting you all onto countries somewhere else, separated from me!
I am sorry. You are all with me.
And what I believed you to be was a projection made by me projected onto you.

Thanks.

Hi,
another polarity appeared: being excited<=>to freeze, to be motionless.
Which I noticed while watching videos on car accidents, people getting hurt. 
I was excited to see the next video, and the next one etc, while watching the vids I kind of froze.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to keep myself occupied in expressing the polarity: to be excited<=>to freeze.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget all about my breath feeling excited and "frozen".
I forget all about my breath during these feelings.
I am very grateful they showed up. 
I was able to realize what I was doing and to apply Selfforgiveness on this polarity.

Thank you.

Hi,
Today I discovered that some polarity beliefs were (I Selfforgave them) involved in my process.
I believed I would get better, 
I believed hope to be a driving force to apply Sf,
I believed applying Sf would bring success.

Because last night I felt worse, despair, failure.

So I Selfforgave my believe in the polarity: to get better<=>to get worse,
the polarity: to hope<=>to be in despair,
The polarity: success<=>failure.

Thank you.

vrijdag 3 oktober 2008

anxiety


Hi,
anxiety is a feeling I still accept and allow in myself a few times a day. Before having a meal,at bedtime, when I am preparing to go outside, when I want to check my mail. Strange thing is, I do notice it, but I don't want to realize it. I "look away". Attention on this is required! 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let anxiety be in control of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let anxiety control me a few times a day.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself that I let anxiety be in control at those moments.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety is stronger than me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know how to deal with anxiety.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the anxiety rush.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my life will be dull without anxiety.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project anxiety on my son.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt if I am willing to let go of anxiety.
I stand clear in myself in my decision, my choice to Selfforgive anxiety.
I say: goodbye anxiety. I thank you for having been me, when I didn't want to be myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see anxiety as an option to be as, when I move from one moment to another.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself  to take time to finish this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not make it to the next moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear there will be no next moment anymore.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear death as the end of this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment will never end and I will not make it to the next one.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of: going on forever<=>ending.

Funny: going on forever here<=>ending here; no polarity, no problem!

Thank you.

donderdag 2 oktober 2008

porn


Hi,
last night I watched videos of porn, as it is referred to. Images of such activities as blowjobs, handjobs, feetjobs, fucking, as it is called.
Of course many Sf points occurred! Very interesting, charges in bodyparts, feet, hands, behind of legs, forehead, genitals, belly, chest.
It took much attention to watch my selfhonesty! 
I managed to stay in my starting point of selfhonesty.
When I lost interest I closed the laptop.
Then I did masturbation. I applied Sf when required, and watch closely if pictures of the vids would show up. If so, I immediately felt charges, so I stopped any picture. I stayed with the feeling of the touch. 
In this way, I didn't change in any way.
Then I became aware that all that surrounds me is me. I am in myself, in what is refered to as the outer world. 
Typing now, I applied Sf on a fear I projected in the "outer world". What nonsense to project fear in myself!

woensdag 1 oktober 2008

correction


Hi,
a correction on the post on polarity;
to be careless manifests not only negative judgement, but positive as well, namely a positive judgement by those who are careless too.
the polarity then is:
Carelessness/indifference<=>judgement.



Hi,
a polarity showed up; I was freeing a word with the sound: ij. A Dutch vocal. I remembered my mother critizising me (and my sister) for not pronouncing properly. I felt a strong negative judgement, projected on my mam. 
The reason I pronounced it wrongly was because it takes less effort. So i felt an indifference, carelessness, to this vocal and to the words with this vocal. 
This is the polarity: indifference<=>strong negative judgement. 

Indifference is to be not judging. To judge myself seems to be the solution to avoid a negative judgement by others.
In society this is a huge problem. In school if I'm careless, I manifest strong negative judgement. To avoid this from happening I supposedly should be judging myself to fight my carelessness. 
In society I supposedly should apply all laws on me, if I don't I manifest the judgement by the justice system. 
Judging myself all the time to avoid being judged by others takes a great effort. To be careless offers then the possibility to relax.
To be careless is a very dangerous attitude, because of the possibility to be judged by others.
To avoid the feeling of being in danger while relaxing in carelessness, I have to go deep by drinking a lot or something like that.