dinsdag 21 oktober 2008

today, I left home at noon. There were several thing I could be doing. One of them, flying my modelairplane, was dismissed at the shed when I took my bike out. The wind blowing to fierce.
I cycled to buy some grocery along the road. I wanted to go shopping first, but I decided to do that later on, I wouldn't cycle with heavy bags. I took a road but returned after a while to take anotherone less windy. The grocery was far away. It was out in the open on a display. All the way I had watched myself, to see if I submitted to a thought/idea and the feeling connected to it. Applyied Sf if so. I was in the world not of it. 
I asked a person wether I am allowed to take the grocery myself and put the money in the little box. She said yes. I didn't have the right change. While doing so, I submitted to the thought: am I ding the right thing here? The lady of the house appeared and helped me out. Back on the bike I freed myself again through breathing. 
I made a call to the farmer where the mowingmachine is parked, if it were possible to clean it this afternoon. He has a cleaning device, it runs on hot water. It was fine. So I went from the grocery to the farm. I put on raincoat/pants and cleaned the machine. I kept on watching myself. When finished, the machine wouldn't start. This problem I had last week too. I made some efforts and it worked again. I parked it back on its spot and when I asked what cost the pumpkins, the farmer said, no wait I'll give you some for free, they don't look so well but you can eat them. I thanked him. I had already put some money in the little box but I didn't tell him.
Next I went to the club, to do some cleaning because tonight is club meeting, like every tuesday.
All the time in the clubbuilding, I felt submitted to the person who runs the bar. He wasn't present but in my thoughts he was. I see him as higher in rank, 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that R. is of a higher rank then me.
I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness when feeling submitted to R.
When I left I almost let my bike fall to the ground because I tried to eat something and look at something and handling my bike all at the same time.
( this morning I experienced this reality to be in slow motion.)
( I sometimes see my computerscreen moving, changing shape.)
I cycled to the next village to do shopping. I was back on track. I bought my stuff and silent was inside. Difficulty arouse when I packed my bags and at a distance some people sat outside a shop, laughing, having a good time. This is a problem: I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness at the moment when I am doing something difficult while people are laughing.
I bought some food for the birds, and a energy saving lightbulb. When I left that store I felt: this reality is giving me a hard time. On this one I applied immediately.
I left that village to get home. The wind came from the opposite direction. Anytime I thought: the wind is giving me a hard time, the cycling would get very difficult. I had submitted to that thought. I placed myself back in the silence. And cycling was not a problem. 
Same with cold wind blowing on my throat/neck, I submitted to: I'll catch a cold. I clearly saw that as soon as I thought I had to protect myself from the cold, I became vulnerable. So I placed myself back in the silence and the cold was no issue.


one more thing,
everywhere I looked I found thoughts. Everything is thought-based. And I am in this thought-based existence. No other way to be yet then to remain silent inside.

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