maandag 20 oktober 2008


Hi,
yesterday I met Mirjam. I didn't know her name until I asked as she drove the car. She didn't know my name. The dog was sitting in the back. We went to the forrest and walked and talked. She told she had been working on the issue of: I am not allowing myself to be here on earth. While she spoke, emotions rose.
I told her about the agreement instead of relationship. And lot of other things we spoke of. The forrest was colorful, thanks to the fall season. Pity I don't smell a thing...
She took me to her house and showed the garden. We spoke of projecting the inner outward.
She brought me home. We exchanged phone numbers.
During the evening emotional waves passed by. Probably connected to the issue: lack of selfworth, as pointed out by Bruce L. I let it pass, didn't feel like posting.
This morning, as I cycled to my assistandsupportgroup I fantasized I would speak of the meeting with Mirjam, without mentioning her name and using the words: he/his, instead of: she/her, and in the end I would say: and he is a woman.
When I wanted to speak, I looked into myself and I decided to not tell the story in that way. I asked myself: why did I come up with the Idea of He instead of she?
I found out that Talking about she,/her gives me a feeling! 
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to have this feeling when thinking of Mirjam as a woman, using the words she and her.
I also found a feeling today, kind of angry. I just felt the opposite: to give in.
A polarity is involved here:
To give in to falling in love/starting a relationship<=>to "capture" her to must have her in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of to give in to falling in love opposite to want to "capture" her to must have her.

Thanks.

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