dinsdag 25 november 2008

Hi, in the past few days I feel the horrific pain that is caused by humans to the animal kingdom.
not all the time, I have to direct myself to feel in the animal kingdom.
Pain 24/7.
I feel Selfdishonest, living without realizing this.
Pain 24/7, awakens in me the need to apply Sf with every single breath, to be perfectly Selfhonest, feeling Selfresponsible for acceptances and allowences such as pain 24/7 in the animal kimgdom.

Who invented pain, anyways?

I am responsible for every moment during each breath, for what I've accepted and allowed to exist in my world during each breath.

woensdag 19 november 2008

desire and emotional need. Every day I deal with these two. Emotional need may last e few hours. Desire I allow to come up several times a day. I remember growing up to desire was encouraged as a pleasant feeling. Now it isn't, so I Sf the feeling during the past days and I am so used to live from one desire to the next one, I have to Sf every single desire that comes along. I allow desire to pull me from one moment to the next moment.
Emotional need I practice when I am at my sisters place doing some work. I allow myself to really let the feeling of emotional need, I need to be comforted and encouraged, take over.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel an emotional need when I'm at my sisters place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make an exception in my Selfforgiveness applyance, when I am working at my sisters place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel an emotional need when I go to my sisters place to work.

Thank you

vrijdag 14 november 2008

I noticed a strange force in myself, for quite some time now, I didnt fully understood. I just saw the Desteni vid on multiply, where in a former sportsfan speaks of his life as desire. And....that's it!! Desire is that force. My body hurts due to feeling desire. I don't breath properly due to desire. Working on it...

woensdag 12 november 2008


today I told Mirjam on the phone that two days ago I felt, it would be a failure, our involvement with each other. She said, I felt exactly the same subject, and had to deal with this old scenario.
This is happening all the time. I told her in a email that I didn't spare all the subjects I thought of, connected to her, during the day, to tell her later. Because I trust completely on the fact that it is already known to her the very moment. She mailed me back: I don't need to write you this because it is the same to me. 


dinsdag 11 november 2008

today I saw our systematic reality functioning, cycling along the road. I felt quite miserable, during the day. I watched a lot of youtube vids on modelairplanes, rocketmotors etc. Mirjam phoned and we discussed it and the Sf-point came up:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of feeling down versus being entertained.
In other words:
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of taking process too seriously versus taking it too light.


woensdag 5 november 2008

today we both did a check (without knowing of each other) on the question: am I setting up a relation in secret, while talking about process and applying Sf? And yes indeed I was, more or less. To be specific: I imagined that we would explore physical intimacy to the extend of having sex. So I thought: and then what? Then my purpose would be gone. I let go of that and from a totally different perspective I remain here from where I am directing myself. And I direct myself no matter what. Physical intimacy or whatever. 
I refer to my latest relationship, some 5 years ago, as my last relationship. That's cool.


dinsdag 4 november 2008

every day Mirjam and myself make a phonecall, an d we send a email. It's very interesting to see all the Sf-points come up. Today I realized that I in the mind was creating a "she is the one" scenario. I "saw' ALL MY THOUGHTS AND ATTENTION gather around her. 

Another thing that came forth was longing for sex, and, to be pissed off because I wasn't going to have sex, (because sex is of polarity). 

She mailed that she had been thinking of visiting me but she didn't because of wrong motives. I felt anxiety: omg she might bring me a visit. 

I said to her, I deal with you in the same way I deal with myself. You are as me. 

zondag 2 november 2008

crazy: I went by bike and I was determined to go back where I came from. To get apples from a tree. If I wouldn't get them where I was going to. I found them and picked them up and put them in my bags. Iheard my tire hissing, so I quickly drove back to fix the tire. I wouldn't have gone back for apples, but I was so sure that I manifested a puncture which made me go back.

zaterdag 1 november 2008

today I was going to see Mirjam. She called we could meet. Before, in the morning I felt that I was leaving my position as I direct. The mind proposed that I would go into a relationship and from there apply Sf. i set that strait first. Then she said on the phone we were going for a win win situatuon. I said no, this is not about some sort of gain for me and you as persons. I am not into this to get something out of it for myself. My starting point is Selfhonesty, to make sure I willnot loose myself in a relationship. After the call I felt like I was divorced. 
When we met we talked about it and agreed that I would remain and she would remain, no compromise. And we applied this. During our meeting we continuesly watched our reactions and voiced them and didn't go there. This was so cool. Her dog was very much with us in the process. Interesting to see the past experiences of relationships pop up now and then. 
After a while we managed to sit close together without any reactions. She had some pain in the hart erea and belly. She breathed and took some time to let it go. Some cramp loosening.