Martijns blog

Water as Mirror and Creator

2011-05-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

Custodians

2010-10-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

Ready Made Reality

2010-10-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

2009-06-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

het vervolg van deze blog is te vinden op Desteni.net

I continue this blog in the Dutch language on Desteni.net

thanks for reading

2009-04-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

expand here, holding back is prolonging the existence as seperated from all else. Everything is someone.

I find myself driven by desire. Desire to fly my modelairplanes, desire to work at my sisters horsefarm...

Desire you have an experience for myself. Driven by desire things start to go wrong.

When I am eating and disappear in thoughts, my teeth bite my tongue. ouch! I am back.

2009-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hi,

being with the dog or the cat, I am loosing my mind. Still here. The same on the bicycle, shaking my head a few times, lightly. Not holding myself back, to be a personality with a point of view, a opinion, different from all else.

I dissolve. No more I, still here. Here is all that is.

2009-03-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Some time ago Mirjam talked in many different voices to me. She said: I like to play with these voices. I said: you don't play, you become the voices. In the mean time I was looking at my reactions to the voices. In a moment I realised i was trying to relate to the voices. I said stop, I don't have to relate to them, It is somethoing playing out in her. I selfforgave my attempts to relate. It has nothing to do with me. Some time later she addressed me with a "funny" voice again, but I didn't react, I stayed in the here moment. In haven't heard the voices since.

continuing on first memory

2009-02-19T04:09:00.000-08:00

Hi,
In one single moment at my age of three and a half years old, I split myself into six different persons with specific relations and a here and a there.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to split myself in a here and a there.

In the same moment I believed the thought that I split myself in a now and a before: time was born. Because I followed thought: I am here with my grandparents but before I was brought here and this whole thing was planned before.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that I split myself into this moment and the time before.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that I had given up on myself in this one moment as all-one and rather believed the mind construct of separation.

Giving up on myself is of the mind. I believed the thoughts and feelings in that moment. Who was this I? I formed myself a opinion on who I would be related to who they would be. From this opinion I formed myself a placement as less important than my sister, as a object that can be put out of the way, as a victim to manipulation and conspiracy.

Existing now as a personality, I was angry at my parents, feeling less than my sister and disappointed in my grandparents who had apparently joined in the conspiracy. I had the feeling I had given up on myself because I didn't stay in the breath as breath.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stay in the breath as the breath, all-one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in my grandparents because they joined the conspiracy of my parents to have me out of the way for my sister to be born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel that my parents had set up a conspiracy with my grandparents to have me out of the way for my sister to be born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my parents for setting up a cospiraCY WITH MY GRANDPARENTS IN ORDER TO HAVE ME OUT OF THE WAY FOR MY SISTER TO BE BORN.

I now had formed myself into a opinion on who I would be and from being this opinion of who I would be I formed opinions on the apparent others, as who they would be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my sister is more important to my parents than I.

I created myself a point of view. Projected onto my body. As the center of the opinion on who I would be. I felt I had to struggle to get the feeling that I was as important to my parents as my sister.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to struggle to get the feeling I'm as important as my sister, to my parents.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel a competition with my sister in being important to our parents.

This played out during my lifetime.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live Selfdishonesty as the created polarity of being more or less important than my sister to my parents.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live Selfdishonesty as separation, instead of staying in the breath as the breath.

thanks

first memory

2009-02-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

Hi,
I look up to my grandma, she is on the phone. I understand that she gets a call from my parents that my sister is born. I think: so that's why I am here, I had to get out of the way because my sister is born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that I have to get out of the way because of my sister being born.

This was Selfdishonesty where I separated myself from my parents as the ones that put me aside.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that my parents put me aside in favor of my sister.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as mere a object that can be removed to have it out of the way.

I felt betrayed, it was a conspiracy: I wasn't at my grandparents because of me, I was there as part of a plan to have me out of the way for my sister to be born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that I was a victim of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought and to have the feeling that my parents and my grandparents were in a conspiracy to get me out of the way for my sister to be born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deny the joy of my mother I felt as my joy, and separate me from her and rather believe the thought that I was put aside for my sister to be born.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the thought that I am a child having grandparents.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the thought: I have parents, I am my parents' child, denying myself as all-one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the thought: I have a sister, as separation, denying I am all-one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the feeling that I am less than my sister, denying I am all-one an equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my placement in the unified field as my parents' child, my grandparents' grandchild and my sisters' brother, denying myself as all-one and equal.

2009-02-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Projectie. Je zou denken dat het fenomeen projectie (je ziet iets in een ander wat je zelf bent) nu wel algemeen tot de mensheid doorgedrongen zou zijn. Verre van dat, spijtig genoeg. Je moet er net iets meer moeite voor doen dan met de vinger naar een ander wijzen. Je moet echt even speuren in jezelf waar en hoe datgene wat je bij de ander ziet in jezelf aanwezig is.

2009-02-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

liefdesliedjes gaan meestentijds over "ik kan niet zonder jou". Dit wordt als een aanbeveling van iemands liefde beschouwd. In feite hebben we hier een vorm van emotionele gehechtheid die de ander claimt.
"Ik heb jou niet nodig", zou een liefdesverklaring zijn die de ander vrijlaat. Of: "ik kan prima leven zonder jou". Wanneer kunnen we de eerste liefdesliedjes met woorden van gelijke strekking tegemoet zien?

MTA Ter-Apel :: Onderwerp bekijken - motor op water

2009-01-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

MTA Ter-Apel :: Onderwerp bekijken - motor op water

Inderdaad een uitvinding die al toegepast wordt.

2008-12-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hi,
gisteren, zag ik twee mensen werkelijk als organische robots en hoorde deze praten. Griezelig. Het waren familieleden van me. Het is dus echt waar. Dat is wat we denken te zijn en wat we hebben toegestaan en geaccepteerd te zijn.
Ik vergeef mezelf te hebben toegestaan en geaccepteerd te hebben, een organische robot te zijn. Voelend, denkend en pratend. Fully functional. In plaats van me te realiseren dat ik van leven ben, één met alles en gelijk ermee. Functionerend als een exponent van leven. Ademend, levend.

2008-12-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

Hi,
is het normaal dat de natuur opzij gezet moet worden als een mens ergens wil leven?
Is het normaal om de aarde weg te stoppen onder asfalt, beton?
De aarde was van de natuur, het planten en dierenrijk, de wind de regen, water, warmte, en wat zijn wij hier allemaal aan het doen, alsof het allemaal van ons is? Wat verbeelden wij ons allemaal nodig te hebben? Wat vinden wij allemaal wel niet Belangrijk? Om te hebben en te doen?
Iedereen is corrupt, jij en ik. Omdat we toestaan en accepteren dat dit bestaat, en er aan deelnemen.
Daarom, vergeef jezelf zoals ik mezelf vergeef, al die dingen in de wereld waarvan we dondersgoed weten dat 't niet deugt, maar die we stilzwijgend hebben toegestaan en geaccepteerd.
Bijvoorbeeld:
Ik vergeef mezelf te hebben toegestaan en geaccepteerd dat als een mens ergens wil wonen het leven als planten en dieren opzij gezet moet worden.
En zeg: stop! het is al veel te ver gekomen! Er zijn al zoveel gelegenheden om het anders te doen voorbij laten gaan! Fullstop!
Ik stop met denken omdat denken ongelijkheid voortbrengt en onenigheid. Ik vergeef mij elke gedachte en elke emotie en elk gevoel, stuk voor stuk, omdat ik zie dat de verdwazing van de mens daaruit bestaat.
Het is een eenheid, wij, de dieren, de planten en bomen, de elementen, alles. Hoe zouden we iets kunnen doen wat ook maar iets schaadt in de eenheid? Dan zou het geen eenheid zijn. Daarom moet deze wereld wel eindigen, omdat deze wereld geen uitdrukking is geworden van eenheid maar van verdeeldheid.
Gelijkheid tevens, omdat er niets weggelaten kan worden uit eenheid. Daarom is niets belangrijker dan iets anders.
Laat ieder zich de eenheid en gelijkheid realiseren die we in werkelijkheid zijn, die niet van deze wereld is. Maar innerlijk gevonden kan worden, voorbij gedachten, emoties en gevoelens. Of beter: dichterbij dan deze drie, we zijn het zelf.

Dank je.

2008-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hi, in the past few days I feel the horrific pain that is caused by humans to the animal kingdom.
not all the time, I have to direct myself to feel in the animal kingdom.
Pain 24/7.
I feel Selfdishonest, living without realizing this.
Pain 24/7, awakens in me the need to apply Sf with every single breath, to be perfectly Selfhonest, feeling Selfresponsible for acceptances and allowences such as pain 24/7 in the animal kimgdom.

Who invented pain, anyways?

I am responsible for every moment during each breath, for what I've accepted and allowed to exist in my world during each breath.

2008-11-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

Hi,
desire and emotional need. Every day I deal with these two. Emotional need may last e few hours. Desire I allow to come up several times a day. I remember growing up to desire was encouraged as a pleasant feeling. Now it isn't, so I Sf the feeling during the past days and I am so used to live from one desire to the next one, I have to Sf every single desire that comes along. I allow desire to pull me from one moment to the next moment.
Emotional need I practice when I am at my sisters place doing some work. I allow myself to really let the feeling of emotional need, I need to be comforted and encouraged, take over.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel an emotional need when I'm at my sisters place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make an exception in my Selfforgiveness applyance, when I am working at my sisters place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel an emotional need when I go to my sisters place to work.

Thank you

2008-11-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hi,
I noticed a strange force in myself, for quite some time now, I didnt fully understood. I just saw the Desteni vid on multiply, where in a former sportsfan speaks of his life as desire. And....that's it!! Desire is that force. My body hurts due to feeling desire. I don't breath properly due to desire. Working on it...

2008-11-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

Hi,

today I told Mirjam on the phone that two days ago I felt, it would be a failure, our involvement with each other. She said, I felt exactly the same subject, and had to deal with this old scenario.

This is happening all the time. I told her in a email that I didn't spare all the subjects I thought of, connected to her, during the day, to tell her later. Because I trust completely on the fact that it is already known to her the very moment. She mailed me back: I don't need to write you this because it is the same to me.

Thanks.

2008-11-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Hi,

today I saw our systematic reality functioning, cycling along the road. I felt quite miserable, during the day. I watched a lot of youtube vids on modelairplanes, rocketmotors etc. Mirjam phoned and we discussed it and the Sf-point came up:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of feeling down versus being entertained.

In other words:

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of taking process too seriously versus taking it too light.

Thanks.

2008-11-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

Hi,

today we both did a check (without knowing of each other) on the question: am I setting up a relation in secret, while talking about process and applying Sf? And yes indeed I was, more or less. To be specific: I imagined that we would explore physical intimacy to the extend of having sex. So I thought: and then what? Then my purpose would be gone. I let go of that and from a totally different perspective I remain here from where I am directing myself. And I direct myself no matter what. Physical intimacy or whatever.

I refer to my latest relationship, some 5 years ago, as my last relationship. That's cool.

thanks.

2008-11-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

HI,

every day Mirjam and myself make a phonecall, an d we send a email. It's very interesting to see all the Sf-points come up. Today I realized that I in the mind was creating a "she is the one" scenario. I "saw' ALL MY THOUGHTS AND ATTENTION gather around her.

Another thing that came forth was longing for sex, and, to be pissed off because I wasn't going to have sex, (because sex is of polarity).

She mailed that she had been thinking of visiting me but she didn't because of wrong motives. I felt anxiety: omg she might bring me a visit.

I said to her, I deal with you in the same way I deal with myself. You are as me.

2008-11-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

Hi,

crazy: I went by bike and I was determined to go back where I came from. To get apples from a tree. If I wouldn't get them where I was going to. I found them and picked them up and put them in my bags. Iheard my tire hissing, so I quickly drove back to fix the tire. I wouldn't have gone back for apples, but I was so sure that I manifested a puncture which made me go back.

2008-11-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I was going to see Mirjam. She called we could meet. Before, in the morning I felt that I was leaving my position as I direct. The mind proposed that I would go into a relationship and from there apply Sf. i set that strait first. Then she said on the phone we were going for a win win situatuon. I said no, this is not about some sort of gain for me and you as persons. I am not into this to get something out of it for myself. My starting point is Selfhonesty, to make sure I willnot loose myself in a relationship. After the call I felt like I was divorced.

When we met we talked about it and agreed that I would remain and she would remain, no compromise. And we applied this. During our meeting we continuesly watched our reactions and voiced them and didn't go there. This was so cool. Her dog was very much with us in the process. Interesting to see the past experiences of relationships pop up now and then.

After a while we managed to sit close together without any reactions. She had some pain in the hart erea and belly. She breathed and took some time to let it go. Some cramp loosening.

Thanks.

2008-10-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today the mind isn´t silent. Found myself randomly thinking now nd then. Falling asleep. Woke up thinking right away this morning. I slept half an hour more than 6. The change of time with one hour. I realize I am not this, this is me as the mind. I am one with the mind, as the mind.

Am I a victim t the mind... the mind functions, I direct.

thanks.

2008-10-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

Hi,

when I get involved in a relationship I think of the woman all the time. This happened this morning, after i spoke with Mirjam on the phone yesterday evening. I was working at my sisters farm and thinking what is she doing talking to people at work etc. I said to myself, how strange that I think only of her, I know other people aswell. Later on the horses gathered to stand still and be in oneness. I joined and all of the thinking was gone. I realized it had been an attempt by the mind to create oneness.

thanks.

2008-10-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hi,

money, I get money from the municipality. In Holland this is called a minimum amount of money to live by. And that's true, but I am used to it and manage well. I have had a job for only 7 years in total and I am 51 now, so I know how to live with little money. At times I had no money I always was given money by friends/my parents. Most of my furniture I was given or I bought in a recycling store. I buy almost nothing. I did spend almost all of my savings on dental care. But I am confident that what has to be done can be done. One way or another. I am able to save enough money to enjoy my modelairplane hobby, which has brought me numerous Sf-points.

I new for a long time that the money system was a big mistake. I did search for better ways, never found any.

2008-10-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hi,

the world looked very strange today. I felt I was going to faint a few times. Unreal. A heavy feeling now and then, due to the realization of the mechanical, programmed existence everywhere.

The smelling has improved.

I am cool when I realize I got the world in me.

2008-10-26T03:10:00.000-07:00

Hi,

more on the nose issue,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to refuse to smell to separate myself from my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist odors.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel extremely vulnerable when I let the nose smell.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be overwhelmed by odors and panic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I get infection in my nose when I am open to odors.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to focus on my process when I smell odors.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity: to be extremely vulnerable when I am smelling<->to be secured when I don't smell a thing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity: to separate myself from my world<->to connect myself to my world.

I take my world in me as me. I ask forgiveness from my world for denying our oneness and equality.

I smell the odors of my world in me as me. The odors of my world is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I am the odors of my world and I am not separated from them in any way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the odors of my world as distracting.

I ask forgiveness from the odors of my world for denying their existence.

thanks.

2008-10-25T14:17:00.001-07:00

Hi,

listen to this: Mirjam, with whom I took a walk last sunday, Phoned me twice, this week, and as she started to speak, her voice was so shocking familiar! I just realized after we spoke on the phone just now, that I've heard her voice now and then in myself, before we met!! I thought it were memories of a former girlfriends voice. I didn't hear words, just the sound of the voice.

I thought we were strangers, who would have to need time to get to know each other. She is already known, in me, under my skin.

Before she called, I talked on the phone with Didi, a member of our assist and support group. She said: do you know who I am? I looked and told her no. I am you, she said.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that you are offended when I realize you as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear intimacy when I realize you as me.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of offended<->intimacy.

We laughed a lot and Sf-ed some definitions. I reminded her of the breath and the silence.

Thanks

Btw, last night I got a call (skype) from our Joseph! New York. He immediately applied whenever a point came up. In this way we got closer, like we were only separated by the screen of the laptop. We shared experiences with Sf and assisted and supported each other.

Thnks

2008-10-24T04:28:00.000-07:00

Hi,

changing the sheets of my bed to me is strange because I don'tsmell if they're dirty and I don't have a once a week thing going on. My nose doesn't tell me that much. I usually smell nothing at all. Sometimes I smell something that Isn't there! Mostly only bad smells come through or penetrant ones, gasoline, poop, exhaustion gasses. I don't want to wait that long changing my sheets. I do smell when my pyjamas are sweaty.

I found out that I believe If I wait till my sheets smell sweaty, I will be on a down hill path to totally waisting myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear onetime I'll be on a downhillpath to waisting myself.

So, I kind of vaguely remember how long ago I changed sheets and how sweaty I have been in the nights that passed. And I have an idea of how smelly they might be and I change them accordingly.

thank you.

2008-10-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hi,

what I found out today is, as a "follow up" of yesterday, that taking responsibility in the matrix is a justification to not take Selfresponsibility! yesyes, I always knew this vaguely. For instance someone asked me if I was interested to become a teacher in the modelairplaneclub. I said no, I don't like responsibility.

2008-10-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hi,

the man of the bar of the club, I wrote about yesterday, came today as well. I felt muscle tension in the upper part of my back. I applied Sf and watched if it was effective and I breathed. I discovered that he confirms me as someone who takes responsibility! That is an unexpected outcome.

2008-10-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Having placed myself as worthless, as a victim to "friends", children in school, who spoke words to me which lead to my selfjudgement as being worthless, I want revenge. One method is to collect knowledge. Through this knowledge I am able to save myself, and they are not. This makes me feel better. I am fine because I know stuff, lots of stuff, but in knowing everything there is to know I still have nothing. I cannot separate myself from the nasty ones.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel pity that I am not able to separate me from the nasty ones.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the words spoken to me by the nasty ones personally.

I forgive myself that I haven't realised myself that they were acting out their feelings and emotions on me as them.

I realize that it has nothing to do with me. I remain here, I breath. I have no reactions. I don't let the words spoken by systems influence our oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel upset due to the words spoken to me by the nasty ones.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the children as nasty.

I restore the oneness and equality. No more separation, I am tired of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept the solution by the mind in the situation of specific words spoken to me by the children, to make a selfjudgement as being worthless.

2008-10-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today, I left home at noon. There were several thing I could be doing. One of them, flying my modelairplane, was dismissed at the shed when I took my bike out. The wind blowing to fierce.

I cycled to buy some grocery along the road. I wanted to go shopping first, but I decided to do that later on, I wouldn't cycle with heavy bags. I took a road but returned after a while to take anotherone less windy. The grocery was far away. It was out in the open on a display. All the way I had watched myself, to see if I submitted to a thought/idea and the feeling connected to it. Applyied Sf if so. I was in the world not of it.

I asked a person wether I am allowed to take the grocery myself and put the money in the little box. She said yes. I didn't have the right change. While doing so, I submitted to the thought: am I ding the right thing here? The lady of the house appeared and helped me out. Back on the bike I freed myself again through breathing.

I made a call to the farmer where the mowingmachine is parked, if it were possible to clean it this afternoon. He has a cleaning device, it runs on hot water. It was fine. So I went from the grocery to the farm. I put on raincoat/pants and cleaned the machine. I kept on watching myself. When finished, the machine wouldn't start. This problem I had last week too. I made some efforts and it worked again. I parked it back on its spot and when I asked what cost the pumpkins, the farmer said, no wait I'll give you some for free, they don't look so well but you can eat them. I thanked him. I had already put some money in the little box but I didn't tell him.

Next I went to the club, to do some cleaning because tonight is club meeting, like every tuesday.

All the time in the clubbuilding, I felt submitted to the person who runs the bar. He wasn't present but in my thoughts he was. I see him as higher in rank,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that R. is of a higher rank then me.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness when feeling submitted to R.

When I left I almost let my bike fall to the ground because I tried to eat something and look at something and handling my bike all at the same time.

( this morning I experienced this reality to be in slow motion.)

( I sometimes see my computerscreen moving, changing shape.)

I cycled to the next village to do shopping. I was back on track. I bought my stuff and silent was inside. Difficulty arouse when I packed my bags and at a distance some people sat outside a shop, laughing, having a good time. This is a problem: I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am doing something difficult and people are laughing at the same time.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to apply Selfforgiveness at the moment when I am doing something difficult while people are laughing.

I bought some food for the birds, and a energy saving lightbulb. When I left that store I felt: this reality is giving me a hard time. On this one I applied immediately.

I left that village to get home. The wind came from the opposite direction. Anytime I thought: the wind is giving me a hard time, the cycling would get very difficult. I had submitted to that thought. I placed myself back in the silence. And cycling was not a problem.

Same with cold wind blowing on my throat/neck, I submitted to: I'll catch a cold. I clearly saw that as soon as I thought I had to protect myself from the cold, I became vulnerable. So I placed myself back in the silence and the cold was no issue.

Thanks.

one more thing,

everywhere I looked I found thoughts. Everything is thought-based. And I am in this thought-based existence. No other way to be yet then to remain silent inside.

2008-10-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hi,

yesterday I met Mirjam. I didn't know her name until I asked as she drove the car. She didn't know my name. The dog was sitting in the back. We went to the forrest and walked and talked. She told she had been working on the issue of: I am not allowing myself to be here on earth. While she spoke, emotions rose.

I told her about the agreement instead of relationship. And lot of other things we spoke of. The forrest was colorful, thanks to the fall season. Pity I don't smell a thing...

She took me to her house and showed the garden. We spoke of projecting the inner outward.

She brought me home. We exchanged phone numbers.

During the evening emotional waves passed by. Probably connected to the issue: lack of selfworth, as pointed out by Bruce L. I let it pass, didn't feel like posting.

This morning, as I cycled to my assistandsupportgroup I fantasized I would speak of the meeting with Mirjam, without mentioning her name and using the words: he/his, instead of: she/her, and in the end I would say: and he is a woman.

When I wanted to speak, I looked into myself and I decided to not tell the story in that way. I asked myself: why did I come up with the Idea of He instead of she?

I found out that Talking about she,/her gives me a feeling!

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to have this feeling when thinking of Mirjam as a woman, using the words she and her.

I also found a feeling today, kind of angry. I just felt the opposite: to give in.

A polarity is involved here:

To give in to falling in love/starting a relationship<=>to "capture" her to must have her in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of to give in to falling in love opposite to want to "capture" her to must have her.

Thanks.

2008-10-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I met two women. The first one told me she had moved to live on her own after 6 years of relationship. I informed her on the dishonesty in relationships and she got it!

The second woman made two jokes on me. Later I said, to make jokes on me is a state of mind, so you are not able to say whatever you really want to say. What do you want to say to me? She said, thats much more difficult. Later she said, shall I say it? I said, I hear nothing. She said: you fascinate me. I said, what is so fascinating? She said she had known specific type of men and I was different. I said what do you want to do with it? She said, I'll speak with you when i see you again here on the farm. I said no, lets make an appointment to see where we get to. Not in the relationship-idea. She froze and said, I just left my relationship I had been in, and I don't want this right now. I said, cool, I just want to share insights and we can look into ourselves to see what comes forth.

That was OK for her. I said, when shall we meet? she said, first opportunity is tomorrow. I said, that's cool. And she left.

Afterwards I was able to see several Sf points coming to my mind, which formerly formed the mindset to start a relationship.

So for me another opportunity to Selfforgive specific points.

Example

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe falling in love is stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel this woman will comfort me, I will find rest with her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a "hidden" purpose to go into a relationship with her so I'll surprise myself to "unexpectedly" and "surprisingly" fall in love with her. lol

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "blame" the hormones for the feelings I'll get for her when we are together.

Thanks.

2008-10-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I met a horse, it stood on sand. It came to me and tasted my fingers with its lips. It moved its ears backwards and forwards to get my attention. It looked aside in the direction of the gate. I looked there too and I understood:"I want to get out of this sandy place and to the field, do that for me". I said no, that I cannot do for you. I said bye and left.

At night I thought, well I could have gone to the house and tell what the horse wanted. Maybe someone was home and thought it to be cool.

My refusal was based on a fear of intruding.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear intruding these peoples lives.

2008-10-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hi,

it's so cool to be silent inside and look around at the pictures.

It's so weird to see the automated reality I allowed and accepted to exist. How is it possible that a tree is this immobile thing that lives only for so long, and doesn't speak?

2008-10-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Today one horse came to me and she brought me to the feeling of no self-worth. Ifelt it and recognized it as a feeling that is so me. I Applied Selfforgiveness and realized I was able to let go of it. And it was gone.

Then the horses gathered and stood very still. I stopped working and I joined the silence. I was in some sort of gathering, bigger than me and some horses.

I slipped back into the mind because I believed to be inferior, not worthy. So I applied Sf, but I stayed in the mind. I started working again.

thanks

2008-10-14T13:49:00.001-07:00

Hi,

Every day now, I'm focussing on the feelings of no self-worth. It's not pretty. Applying Sf on multiple aspects. I do live a new expression now and then! Difficult to describe, I felt my body standing firm on earth. I felt oh well, I stop this effort to describe, Englishhhhh...

But it's cool to notice that my applying is effective.

My sisters horses were very, very kind to me today. Sweet. So lovely!

Thanks.

selfworth

2008-10-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hi,

as Bruce L. pointed out to me, I have a selfjudgement issue, in which is no selfworth. This involves Selfconfidence and selftrust.

He told me where to find the origin of this.

I decided to have a look into my schoolyears. And I vaguely remembered people commenting on me, children, and the more I investigated the more I saw the issue. I'd never found it by myself, I had completely accepted the lack of selfworth. So I wasn't aware of it at all. I had some questions though, a difference I felt from other men. They had something I lacked of.

I started seeing through my day small movements in myself to make myself less, to set myself aside.

I applied Sf on several aspects also to past perceptions and I felt the release which I enjoyed very much. Today, I lived the transcendence in me. Not quite done however.

Thanks.

breath, thoughts

2008-10-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hi,

this morning I woke up (as usual, lol) and i stayed with the breath and when I got involved in a thought or an emotion/feeling, I returned to breath. Some Sf too. This went on until I decided to listen to the radio newsbroadcast and I allowed myself to go into thoughts.

I forgive myself that i've allowed myself to leave the breath to enter thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to use listening to the radio as a way of leaving my selfdiscipline of staying with the breath.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be dishonest to myself in deciding to leave my breath and go into thoughts.

Thank you.

timeloop

2008-10-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hi,

About one week ago, I felt to breath was the only thing left I wanted to do. Instead of doing so, I directed myself away from that direction, and went on as usual. Now I perceive myself to be in a timeloop.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to just breath, and instead returned to busyness as usual.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to regret not having taken the opportunity to just breath.

Thanks.

holding myself back<=>"running forward"

2008-10-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hi,

this polarity I saw this morning as I planned to go to my club. I selfforgave it and riding my bike, I took the opportunity to watch if it was completely forgiven. Some more, but smaller parts I forgave. At the club, flying my soarer plane, I felt a charge in the upper right chest area. Interesting to watch was furthermore, me separating myself from some clubmembers who sat and watched me flying. I managed to include them in myself. Tension is released.

Later in the afternoon, some other people arrived, after I had been alone for a short time. I felt a strange separation, didn't know what it was.

At home in the evening, I realized it was me separating myself from the men as male human beings.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate me from the male human beings at the club.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that i could apply Selfforgiveness as I felt separated from the male human beings at the club.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to feel disappointed about me not having realized at the club that I could apply Selfforgiveness on feeling separated from the male human beings at the club.

dentist

2008-10-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I was at the dentist for 1 and 3/4 of an hour. While he and his assistant were working inside my mouth, I was as the three of us.

As he worked with the drill, my nerves would start signaling, and my body would get tense. Then I said in myself: its allright, this is no alert situation, no need for stress. Than the body relaxed again. I repeated this, some times. I just watched if a reaction showed up. Some feelings came forth; Now I'll die, and: here comes the pain, and such.

One moment I had to swallow but couldn't, I almost swallowed thewrong way, and started feeling helpless. Immidiately the assistant spoke a calming advice and the dentist too, and I calmed down. I felt myself small. Sf on that.

Also before I went there, I applied Sf on several points coming up.

This was an interesting experience, I felt quite comfortable all the way. I have no pain afterwards.

Thanks.

2008-10-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hi,

judging people by their native country.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself for having judged people by their native country.

Projecting you all onto countries somewhere else, separated from me!

I am sorry. You are all with me.

And what I believed you to be was a projection made by me projected onto you.

Thanks.

2008-10-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hi,

another polarity appeared: being excited<=>to freeze, to be motionless.

Which I noticed while watching videos on car accidents, people getting hurt.

I was excited to see the next video, and the next one etc, while watching the vids I kind of froze.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to keep myself occupied in expressing the polarity: to be excited<=>to freeze.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to forget all about my breath feeling excited and "frozen".

I forget all about my breath during these feelings.

I am very grateful they showed up.

I was able to realize what I was doing and to apply Selfforgiveness on this polarity.

Thank you.

2008-10-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Today I discovered that some polarity beliefs were (I Selfforgave them) involved in my process.

I believed I would get better,

I believed hope to be a driving force to apply Sf,

I believed applying Sf would bring success.

Because last night I felt worse, despair, failure.

So I Selfforgave my believe in the polarity: to get better<=>to get worse,

the polarity: to hope<=>to be in despair,

The polarity: success<=>failure.

Thank you.

anxiety

2008-10-03T15:55:00.000-07:00

Hi,

anxiety is a feeling I still accept and allow in myself a few times a day. Before having a meal,at bedtime, when I am preparing to go outside, when I want to check my mail. Strange thing is, I do notice it, but I don't want to realize it. I "look away". Attention on this is required!

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let anxiety be in control of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let anxiety control me a few times a day.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself that I let anxiety be in control at those moments.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety is stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know how to deal with anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the anxiety rush.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my life will be dull without anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of anxiety.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project anxiety on my son.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt if I am willing to let go of anxiety.

I stand clear in myself in my decision, my choice to Selfforgive anxiety.

I say: goodbye anxiety. I thank you for having been me, when I didn't want to be myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see anxiety as an option to be as, when I move from one moment to another.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to take time to finish this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not make it to the next moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear there will be no next moment anymore.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear death as the end of this moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment will never end and I will not make it to the next one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in the polarity of: going on forever<=>ending.

Funny: going on forever here<=>ending here; no polarity, no problem!

Thank you.

porn

2008-10-02T04:07:00.000-07:00

Hi,

last night I watched videos of porn, as it is referred to. Images of such activities as blowjobs, handjobs, feetjobs, fucking, as it is called.

Of course many Sf points occurred! Very interesting, charges in bodyparts, feet, hands, behind of legs, forehead, genitals, belly, chest.

It took much attention to watch my selfhonesty!

I managed to stay in my starting point of selfhonesty.

When I lost interest I closed the laptop.

Then I did masturbation. I applied Sf when required, and watch closely if pictures of the vids would show up. If so, I immediately felt charges, so I stopped any picture. I stayed with the feeling of the touch.

In this way, I didn't change in any way.

Then I became aware that all that surrounds me is me. I am in myself, in what is refered to as the outer world.

Typing now, I applied Sf on a fear I projected in the "outer world". What nonsense to project fear in myself!

correction

2008-10-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

Hi,

a correction on the post on polarity;

to be careless manifests not only negative judgement, but positive as well, namely a positive judgement by those who are careless too.

the polarity then is:

Carelessness/indifference<=>judgement.

2008-10-01T01:43:00.000-07:00

Hi,

a polarity showed up; I was freeing a word with the sound: ij. A Dutch vocal. I remembered my mother critizising me (and my sister) for not pronouncing properly. I felt a strong negative judgement, projected on my mam.

The reason I pronounced it wrongly was because it takes less effort. So i felt an indifference, carelessness, to this vocal and to the words with this vocal.

This is the polarity: indifference<=>strong negative judgement.

Indifference is to be not judging. To judge myself seems to be the solution to avoid a negative judgement by others.

In society this is a huge problem. In school if I'm careless, I manifest strong negative judgement. To avoid this from happening I supposedly should be judging myself to fight my carelessness.

In society I supposedly should apply all laws on me, if I don't I manifest the judgement by the justice system.

Judging myself all the time to avoid being judged by others takes a great effort. To be careless offers then the possibility to relax.

To be careless is a very dangerous attitude, because of the possibility to be judged by others.

To avoid the feeling of being in danger while relaxing in carelessness, I have to go deep by drinking a lot or something like that.

2008-09-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist who/what I really am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself with something else than who I really am.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to not have time for who I really am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear who I really am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of becoming who I really am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give no space in myself for who I really am.

The choice is between being in control and being who/what I really am.

Tension in the lower jaw.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be in a thrill wether I will become who/what I really am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather be in a thrill wether I become who/what i really am than realize this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think the realization of who/what I really am to the future.

2008-09-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Hi,

in the past days I feel what I really am coming forward in me. It's a gentle forward moving force. Makes me a little bit kind of dizzy.

I worked at my sistershorsefarm, I did sand shoveling. One of the horses stood where I put the sand and I put it gently around her hoofs, for fun. I had a brake, and I said to the horse: pity that you cannot shovel too. Than she moved one hoof through the sand, as a big scoop! and walked away.

all is here

2008-09-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hi,

this morning at my small support group, I was able to speak how I apply Sf. Also how everything is here, and it is not possible to skip one thing. And how I take responsibility by watching my reactions. It was understood and confirmed.

At night I skype with my son. I hadn't seen him from 8 years old till 16, and after that only 3 or 4 times a year. but some months ago I bought myself a laptop from him, and he assisted me with some things, and after some time we started skype for phone was too expensive. And since 2 onths or so we skype everynight. He shares his experiences with me and tonight he told me he'd decided to be honest. (in the beginning of our skypes he was more of manipulation).

2008-09-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I went to the barbecue at my modelairplaneclub. I watched myself before I went. I found out that I didn't need to go. Didn't desire. I rode my bike, and watched myself: busy to get there, or being in the moment. I decided to not go into some special feeling for the reason of many persons and unusual events. I was just there doing what fitted in the situation. I was shown a plane for sale, which would suit me well according to the sellers. I didn't buy into that feeling.

I moved freely and went away freely.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt if I made a mistake by not going into a partymood.

Yesterday there was a woman new to the club. Her husband signed in as a member. She told me she wanted to wait herself, she wanted to check the people first.

Some time passed and I set next to her and said: so you wanted to see if you feel secure here? She told me yes that was important to her.

I told her I didn't feel secure when I joined the club. And we talked quite a lot.

2008-09-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hi,

my body exists of molecules. The air that surrounds it and the objects too. All there is is molecules.

Where am I? What am I?

I must be here as the molecules, although I am not defined by them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as molecules.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as body, separate from everything else.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define what is here outside my body as not me.

friction

2008-09-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I remember how I as a child was taken by my parents and dragged (as I felt it) to other places to meet people, family, friends. I didn't grasp the meaning of it. What was all the fuzz about. The excitement, what was going on in the meeting? A lot of talking, emotions now and than.

I feel myself the same way, as I want to go to my modelairplaneclub, where is a barbecue, (partytime! lets kill some animals!).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel as a child, dragged to meetings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel as a child, familymeetings as pointless.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see as a child, familymeetings as chaotic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed in myself to feel emotional pain for the killing of animals for the purpose of a party.

I sustained this judgement till today, by dragging myself to other places, seemingly enjoying this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to enjoy dragging myself to other places.

Thanks.

I as the body

2008-09-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hi,

do I use the body as an instrument for my desires, purposes as the person Martijn.

Or am I here as the body.

Using the body is abusing the body: it is painful.

I feel at ease, being the body.

I don't have to think.

I have no image to worry about.

I slip into Martijn , as soon as I notice this, I take the opportunity to apply Sf.

And:

Waking up in the morning, I started with a stress. Past few days. What was going on? I had to be someone! meet expectations, have goals, fears, control. Applying till I this is gone. Will see tomorrow.

polarities

2008-09-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today I applied Sf on beliefs in polarities that occurred:

within the law<=>outside the law

obedient<=>disobedient

to control<=>to have no control

Also on: being helpless/in need of help,

to be someone who will get an accident,

to be dependent.

This morning I felt consciousness depleting. The program for the day seemed to have troubles to unfold. Hard to explain in Englishhhhhhh. Reality wasn't as real as before.

I remembered something: I used to know how to disable machines/apparatus, without touching them. Car engines would stop when someone drove up to me, Together with a friend we disabled a automated church bell. Things like that. It was like I'm going into the apparatus and withdraw the believe that it works.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to influence the function of machines/apparatus.

I remember that I was able to let things disappear. Not all of a sudden, but slowly. I started moving my life away from the thing till it someway or another was gone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to let things disappear.

I remember that I was able to let accidents happen. Forinstance I walked into café and within minutes someone would break some glasses.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is able to cause accidents.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who has powers.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to radiate a pushing energy to Monic which felt not good to her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to radiate a pulling energy to Sylvia which felt not good to her.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use in secret powers to influence.

I am going to post on Open forum now.

hard work

2008-09-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hi,

today, I was working at my sisters horsefarm and three days ago I ended up with pain in the body, because I was angry that I hurted plants. I did Sf's on that and today I came to the same way of angry working for a moment, but without the thoughts I had last time and i was able to let go of it and worked quite relaxed and was able to save many plants at the same time.

Listening to people speak

2008-09-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hi,

yesterday I found my body again as I new it when I was age three or so. Shocking however to see my hands have grown old, and the body all stretched out in length! But nevertheless lovely to be here again. I used to do my hear with gel but now I prefer it without to have it soft. Feeling much more comfortable being my body.